Can our relationship survive an affair?

Yes; it's not guaranteed, but it is possible.

The fallout from an affair can be intense and long term.

 

It doesn't just go away, and it will continue to fester until all parts are resolved.

Lots of people say 'but it was just flirting', or 'it didn't mean anything' or 'it just happened'.

The language used by the unfaithful partner to minimise and shut down the hurt partner can seriously undermine a relationship.

Communication suffers, people withdraw emotionally, and the toxicity gets stuffed deep down into unspoken resentment.

 

Everything can appear to be ok, you might even be ok, and then something will happen which will trigger an emotional response and you'll be left reeling and wondering what is happening to you. 

 

Do you find yourself:

 

  • Seething at your partners lack of insight into your pain?

 

  • Wishing your partner would 'build a bridge and get over it'?

 

  • Wishing your partner would find a way to move on, because haven't you apologised enough now? Can't we move on? Do we have to talk about this AGAIN?

 

  • Ruminating and obsessing about everything your partner says and does? 

 

  • Clock watching whenever they are late home?

 

  • Keeping an internal score on your partners honesty and consistency when they tell you things?

 

  • Checking your partners phones, emails and online history, as well as worrying about who they are facebooking with?

 

  • Fretting about the time your partner spends away from you on activities they do, such as exercise, cycling, hobbies, work, etc?

 

  • Listening in on your partners conversations with others in the hope of finding out something?

 

  • Spending enormous energy on trying to figure out if your partner has had an affair or not?

 

  • Becoming hypervigilant to changes in behaviour?

 

  • Lacking interest in any kind of sexual or physical intimacy and find yourself pulling away from anything that requires you to connect to your unfaithful partner?​

 

  • Not talking about things because they are in so much pain and you don't want to make it worse for them?

 

  • Telling yourself that you should be able to just move on and let it go?

 

  • Always bringing things up, and it always ends up in fights.

 

  • stuck in that place betwen biding your time and hoping things will get better.

 

  • Feeling confused because you are getting mixed messages all the time?

 

  • Thinking you deserve everything because of past life choices you may have made?

 

  • Shutting down so neither of you rocks the boat?

 

  • ​Feeling manipulated by your unfaithful partner because they say they have stopped, but continue the same actions and conduct as if they are still engaged in inappropriate behaviour? Is it becoming about you not trusting them, leaving you feeling as if you  should be able to get over it and trust him/her, no matter what is in front of you?

 

  • Getting along ok, but becoming more and more intolerant of each other, with little things taking on what can feel like irrational and overwhelming importance?

 

  • ​feeling as if you just have to shut up and hang in there until you are strong enough to leave?

 

  • Worrying that you'll never be able to rebuild trust and you'll always be blamed and held to account?

 

  • Feeling as if your actions will never be forgiven, and why bother if it's never going to get any better?

 

  • Wondering if this is as good as it's ever going to get...and should you just end it and move on?


 

If any of this sounds like you, or your relationship, then there is assistance.

 

When emotions don't get processed from intense trauma, it becomes ongoing emotional responses and reactions that can become overwhelming and end up driving our everyday actions and interactions.

 

You, the hurt partner, think about THE AFFAIR all the time! You obsess about it, you question, you get suspicious, and you wonder about the little inconsistencies, the times your partner was late home, those phone calls, text messages and on it goes. 

It can seem as if you are going crazy if you are the hurt partner, but you aren't; you are just in a heightened state of tension, pain, vigilance and unresolved conflict, which is a perfectly normal state to be in when everything is taken into account. 

How do you deal with it? You talk, talk and talk some more. You find a way to communicate what is happening for you to your partner, each of you, and this is how I can help you.

Heart Healing is a about helping you communicate with each other in a new and respectful way. 

It's about learning what you need to do in order to help your hurt partner heal.

It's about the hurt partner speaking their truth and finding validation in the speaking.

 

It's about the unfaithful partner acknowledging the hurt they have caused and listening, really listening, and being present to their partners pain and anger...yes, especially the anger.

It's about supporting you through this time of talking, reconnecting and negotiating a new relationship out of the old one.

 

And, importantly, it's about honouring each of you in a non-judgmental way, giving you the tools and support necessary to work on building a new life together, while integrating the pain of the affair into an appropriate state within each of you, allowing it to become part of the relationship, without overwhelming it.



A relationship doesn't have to end because of an affair, it can grow stronger and deeper if we learn how to open up and be honest.

 

Even if your relationship has ended, you can still recover your life and move on. We think we deal with things because we 'don't go there' or 'that's in the past'.  The truth is, no matter how long ago the affair was, the impact of it continues to reverberate, like the ripples on a pond after a stone has been thrown in it.

 

Whether you were the unfaithful, or the hurt partner, you can recover from the hurt, pain, anger and grief that ensued and still lingers. 

 

I know this, because it's our journey too...we get you, we hear you and we understand you.

 

If you'd like to experience someone 'getting you', we invite you to send us a message or give either of us a call - we know how tough it is to have a safe place in which to talk and be heard. 

 

 


 

​© 2013 by Loving Therapy. All rights reserved.

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